You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will undoubtedly destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.

Which is why we ask you to please for pity’s sake read this owner’s guide carefully before you unpack the device. You already unpacked it, didn’t you? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddled with the knobs, and now your child, the same child who once shoved a Polish sausage into your videocassette recorder and set it on "fast forward", this child is also fiddling with the knobs, right? We might just as well break these devices right at the factory before we ship them out, you know that?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it, OK? Now let’s talk about:

1. Unpacking The Device: The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing better than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

Warning: do not ever as long as you live throw away the box or any of the pieces of styrofoam, even the little ones shaped like peanuts. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

You will need to supply: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

2. Plugging In The Device: The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry’s Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong Is Bigger Than The Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist Of Six Small Religious Figurines Made Of Chocolate. Do not try to plug it in. Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

Warning: When you are laying the plug on the floor, do not hold a sharp object in your other hand and trip over the cord and poke your eye out, as this could void the warranty.

3. Operation Of The Device: We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual central working parts of the device are manufactured in Japan. The following instructions were translated by Mrs. Shirley Peltwater of Accounts Receivable, who has never actually been to Japan, but does have most of "Shogun" on tape.

Instructions: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: never to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the [something] earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly [something] virepoint from Drawing B.

4. Warranty: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures, and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

close this windowWarning: It may be a violation of some law that Mrs. Shirley Peltwater has "Shogun" on tape.